Traveling the Unwanted Path - A Realistic Life Update

I've been feeling restless and down in the dumps lately. It's not that there's nothing around for me to do. There's plenty. The problem is none of that has been keeping my interest long enough. On top of that I've been feeling really left behind in life.

Right now, I'm not taking classes. I'm so close to finishing my Bachelor's degree but I can't do anything until more funds become available. So, I'm working a part-time job. This path is NOT the way I wanted to go in life. In fact, when I was in classes, I hoped and prayed that I wouldn't end up on this path. This unwanted journey has left me feeling angry, disappointed, feeling defeated and left behind.

In America you graduate from high school and go straight to college. You graduate in 4 years with a bachelors then go to grad school. At some point in this time period you have your own car, travel abroad, move out and live on your own or with roommates, meet the people you will call your "squad", start dating your future spouse and get some sort of Graduate degree in another 2-4 years (longer if you're going for a professional degree). After you're done with school, you get a good full-time job to pay off all of those loans and get married (for those who want to get married). That's the ideal order of events. 

However, we all know that life doesn't always play out that way. It certainly hasn't for me. It's taking me WAAAYY longer than 4 years just to get my undergrad degree. I have yet to travel abroad. I'm still relying on my parents vehicle for transportation. The living on my own thing was short lived. Squad? What squad? Do books count? I'm still single and convinced that my future husband must have fallen asleep or gotten lost on his way to find me. Talk about feeling unaccomplished and anxious to fulfill a life goal. And seeing/hearing other people I know my age and younger around me fulfilling all of these goals doesn't help. (Sometimes you have to stop staring at Facebook and go pick up a book instead.) 

My walk with God has hit a low point. To combat the struggle, I've started a devotional through YouVersion called "Streams in the Desert". I've heard it before and I've heard a lot of good things about it. So far the main message that I keep encountering from God is the same message that I got at IVF Chapter Camp. "Wait. Just Trust Me. Wait. Just Trust Me. Wait. Just Trust Me." I wish I could say that those words are giving me peace and encouragement but they aren't. Getting that same message and nothing else day after day has started to annoy me a little. Is it something I need to hear? Most likely yes. Sure, I can always end the devotional but as an avid reader one of my pet peeves is having to leave something as DNF (did not finish). Most likely, I'll still see it through to the end.

I have my writing and books though. I've finished 2 books this past week and started a third. I've been learning more about some characters in a particular writing project of mine. And I have hopes of going to writing events/seminars sometime in the fall. Hmmm... Now that I think about it, I can pick a project, outline it for NaNoWriMo this year. *Gears turning* In case you didn't know, National Novel Writing Month is like an ultramarathon for writers.

That's where I'm at now. My family keeps telling me not to give up (no matter how tempting it may be) and that things will get better. Can it be worse? Yeah. It's easy for someone on the outside to say that I should just smile and be happy because things aren't worse. To that I reply that it's still my struggle, it hurts and it still sucks. (There's more going on with me but this is as much as I'm going to share.) I long for the day when I can honestly say to someone that life for me is going great. But today's not the day. 

More Jesus Mondays - That Feel Good Feeling

"I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all things through him who gives me strength." - Philippians 4:11-13 (NIV)

In this passage, Paul is thanking the people of Philippi for their gifts. He points out that although he's very grateful on their gifts and concern for him during his journey, he doesn't place his dependency on physical gifts. He's dependent on Christ.

Everyone wants to be happy. I've never met anyone that gets enjoyment from being miserable.

If I had to list all of the individual times that I let my happiness be dependent on my life circumstances, it would be an embarrassingly long list.

The thing is, I have to remember that I'm not alone. So many times, we let our circumstances dictate whether or not we will be content and happy today.

"If only I had more money, then I'd be happier."

"If only I had a better job..."

"If only I had a different body type..."

"If only I was in better health..."

"If only I was married..."

Today at work, the postal worker came in to drop off today's mail. He was smiling, chipper and seemed like he was sincerely enjoying his day. My co-worker complimented him on his upbeat attitude saying, "Can you bottle some of that up? You can sell it and make a lot of money." He chuckled and said,

"Today I woke up and choose to be happy."

That lesson has been told to me before. Drilled into my head, almost. But today, it sat with me for a while.

We have to choose to be happy. 

Yes, shift happens but things change. Our dependency should be placed in God's hands, not our own. After all, He has the ability to make something new and wonderful out of the bad, the messy and the stressful.

Choosing to be happy and giving our life circumstances to God go hand in hand. It won't make our problems go away, but it will save us a lot of headache and heartache.

Easier said than done. (I may be "preaching" to you all but I'm also "preaching" to myself.) We have to start somewhere though, and God's pretty patient.

25 til 25

So, with this month being my birthday month, I decided to actively recall and post to Facebook some 25 things that I've learned in my years of life thus far. Here's what they are in order.

1. Driving a stick shift. About 3 years ago, my dad taught me how to drive a stick shift. I learned quickly than I gave myself credit for and I think my dad had more confidence in my abilities than I did. In a few weeks, I was able to balance on hills and drive on the freeway. I don't know how many other 20-something millennial women know how to drive a stick but, I look back and I'm thankful for the opportunity to learn a cool skill like that.
2. Doing something that makes you nervous and/or scares the crap out of you is exactly that... scary and nerve-wracking. But, the feeling of completion, whether it results in success or failure, overcomes those initial feelings. Don't let fear keep you from living life.
3. Sometimes, all you need is a good book and a mug of your favorite tea.
4. It's okay if you're no longer 'forever friends' with those you've known since elementary or middle school. Life happens. Just move on and focus on the people who are there for you presently.
5. Just because you don't see certain evils happening before your eyes, doesn't mean that they're not happening at all.
6. Just because your favorite childhood book character ate tomato sandwiches with white bread, and a ton of mayo, doesn't mean you should. Not only do they end up being soggy but, you end up wasting food because you don't like the taste combination.
7. They say that once you're in college, you'll wish you were back in high school... they fibbed.
8. It's okay if your 21st birthday doesn't involve alcohol at all. I spent my 21st playing co-ed Ultimate with a league (and we won by 21 points).
9. Always have more than one skill that you can build on. I've been hearing this from my uncle, my grandfathers and my parents for the longest. I didn't really adopt the concept until I was about 19 or 20. By having more than one skill set, you open yourself up to new experiences, more chances to make a living for yourself and you increase your chances of meeting some really cool people.
10. If you want little spiders to crawl all over the car in the summer, park under a tree at night. If you don't mind them getting in the car, roll the windows down on the drive home.
11. The older I get, the more I grasp the fact that there's a battle going on for my spiritual allegiance disguised in external and internal ways. Through this, my desire to know God and try to see things as He does has increased. The secret: don't let go of Him in the bad or the good because He won't let go of you. Deuteronomy 31:8, Isaiah 55:8-9, Romans 12:2.
12. Sometimes the best way to share a positive change in your life is to live it.
13. Don't decide on a major during your first and second years of college.
14. You are never too old to re-read your favorite book(s) from your childhood.
15. Never hold back on something you're good at or something you enjoy just because someone teased you about it.
16. Learning something new is way more fun when you don't have to worry about getting a good grade.
17. Cooking and baking your own meals can be just as satisfying if not more when you make it yourself.
18. Don't be afraid to ask questions. Not just in school or at work, but in life in general.
19. It is possible to go an entire month or more without a cellphone. The experience is more freeing than one would expect.
20. Being happy and taking joy in what you do is very important.
21. One thing that I've picked up from both of my parents (but primarily my dad) is your attitude regarding jobs and work ethic. My sister and I were always told to give your best at the job that you have. People within your job and outside the job are watching and you never know what other opportunities may open up simply because you did your work well and showed genuine care for others. I've also come to learn on my own that out of any work opportunity, if you don't learn or refine a new skill, you end up learning something about yourself or the nature of people.
22. If you want to know what God thinks about something, the best way to find out is by prayer and studying His word first.
23. Just because others may see you as a blank slate that needs to be filled in, doesn't mean you are one.
24. There's nothing wrong with not having the next 5 or 10 years of your life planned out. Just take things one day at a time. 
25. (Confession time... In order to end on the 29th, I realize now that I should have started a day later than I did but, I'll post #25 today anyways.) Love your body because you only get one. If there's something you don't like about it, change it. If it can't be changed, change your attitude. It's not uncommon for women to struggle with body image. Black women are no exception and neither am I. For the longest time, I was intensely displeased with how I looked and even some aspects of my personality. Many tears were shed simply because I wished that I looked different, had a different personality. And hearing "you need some more meat on your bones!" countless times as a child didn't help. These feelings of discontent displayed themselves in many forms for much of my life. Only until recently was I was finally able to say that I like my body and my personality exactly the way God made it. With that, I share with you a Bible passage that my mom recited to me time and time again: "For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. How precious to me are your thoughts, God! How vast is the sum of them! Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand—when I awake, I am still with you." Psalm 139:13-18 NIV #‎dragonslayed