Being Single and Desiring Romantic Relationships

Lately I've been thinking about my life, romantic relationships, marriage and relationships in books, movies and television. You know, like many single people do. 

Image courtesy of Stuart Miles at freedigitalphotos.net

One of the things that I've been thinking is how much I would love to see a movie, preferably a rom-com, where Zac Efron plays a character whose love interest just happens to be a black woman. And not letting their different skin color be the main plot of the story. I think it would adorable and a great way to show that black women date men of different races, cultures and ethnicities as well. I could dedicate an entire post to that but I just wanted to mention that.

•     •     •

Being a super-single woman and all, I still desire companionship and I still want to get married one day. Now for whatever reason, when I happen to mention this, there's always that one person who either:
A: Insists that I would be better off staying single.
B: Proceeds to lecture me about how relationships and marriage is difficult, that I need to be up to the challenge or that marriage and relationships are for everyone.
C: Quickly responds with saying, "Don't be in a rush. Focus on you."
D: Says that it's better to be single and happy than be in a relationship and miserable.

Or

E: Laughs in response.

Okay the last one happened more so in elementary and middle school... (Kids can be mean.)

My responses are: 

A - *side eye* "How do you know? We're two different people."

B - "I'm not clueless and I never said anything about relationships or marriage being easy. Just remember that being single isn't a walk in the park either." 

C - "I am focusing on me. And who said anything about being in a rush 'cause I didn't." 

D - "And what about being in a relationship and being happy? Or do you think that's unheard of?"

For me those remarks that people make can make me feel like it's wrong for me to want to be in a romantic relationship and to get married one day. So, then I don't feel like sharing anything about myself to anyone. Then I have to remind myself that they can give me their advice all they want, but God has the ultimate say so. He knows my heart and my desires and He knows what's best for me.

I'm not ashamed to admit that although I want to date, get married and have a family of my own one day, I'm choosy. I want to be in a healthy relationship/marriage one day. I won't settle for any random guy that comes my way. There are certain things about a guy that I will and will not accept. And I realize that's something that those people don't know about me. They've never bothered to ask or talked with me long enough to learn. Their loss. 

So if there are any other "super-singles" like me out there, my message to you is this: it's okay. It's okay to want to be in a healthy, happy long-term relationship or get married one day. It's okay to have some days where you crave some romantic companionship and others where you embrace being single. It's okay to have standards. It's normal to feel a little impatient at times. It's what makes us human. Don't let anyone shame you into thinking that if your single now then you're not supposed to desire otherwise. 

Dear Girl...

To all the girls/women out there who struggle with being "super-single", this letter is for you.

Dear Girl,

You consider yourself to be "super-single". Meaning the following has never happened to you: 

• had a boyfriend... like ever
• been on a date before or asked to any school dances or proms
• been kissed (obviously)
• known what it's like to find out that the guy you have a crush on feels the same way (in real-life, mind you)

You've heard the phrases, "Oh, you'll find someone.", "You just have to get out there.", "He'll be here before you know it.", etc. more times than you can count. And if you had a dollar for every time someone has said those phrases and others like it, you'd probably have good start for a savings account. (Perhaps you're cringing at the sight of those words strung together.)

You pray and wait, you wonder what's wrong with you. You hope, half-playfully, that he didn't get hit by a bus or something else tragic. You've asked yourself, "Where are all the other 'super-singles' like me??"

Me too.

I want to let you know that you are not alone. You are not a freak. You're not invisible. God hasn't forgotten about you. I promise.

My words of encouragement aren't the true (albeit, overused) phrases uttered by well-meaning peers and family. I don't have a magic phrase or body spray to use to change the outcome of things. I won't tell you that this journey will be easy or that you'll never have times you wish you were in a relationship. (I'm getting to the good part, I promise.)

My advice is one that even I have to go back remind myself sometimes. Give your worries, fears, stresses and frustrations to God. Doing this isn't like a vending machine where you put something in, tap a few buttons, and out comes what you want. God doesn't work that way. Giving your concerns to God ensures that you don't have to hold on to them yourself anymore. It takes the stress and baggage off of you and starts the process in trusting that God knows what He's doing. It strengthens your relationship with Him.

Continue to go on with your life and take advantage of the things you can learn and do while being single. (There are some, I promise.) Don't give up or lose hope. Stop comparing your chapter to what you see others proclaim on Facebook. Just scroll on. And when you're feeling exceptionally lonely, find or go to some trusted social support. Don't let the stress fester inside of you. If it takes a workout session or curling up in your sweats with your blanket, book (or Netflix) and your favorite stuffed animal... do it. And remind yourself that you are exactly where you need to be.

All my love,

Barb